Most men who would say yes to any beautiful woman without much consideration to anything else are probably good for a night but not for something serious. If this is okay with you, just smile and agree to anything they say and do, it shouldn’t take long, for example at a pub or bar.
Most men I’ve known who want something serious though, will take into account the other person’s personality. So there is no way to “seal the deal” other than hope you two are mutually attracted. It will happen eventually, just be nice and you’re good to go (if they like you).
Your second paragraph is beautiful, thank you.
To the last line in your first paragraph,
I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t go to pubs or bars. The only place I see men is at gyms. I see so many every day. There’s prolonged eye contact, hungry glances, I get scared and look away and continue my workout. This avoidance is becoming unbearable.
Hm, well this really depends on what you are after. If you really are just looking for a no strings attached sexual encounter, there are places where it is socially acceptable to flirt and find people, and those places are clubs, pubs and bars. I’m also not a fan of alcohol and noise, I get what you mean.
Another option which could work for you is Tinder or a similar app, a lot of men specifically say in their bio what they’re up to and even those who don’t say much will very likely move fast and ask you out. The chat can be a great way to break the ice. Always meet first at a cafe or dinner, don’t walk blindly to anyone’s house! I find dates from apps tend to presume you are already ok and into them so they are likely to make a move on you (and it will be a pretty obvious move) much sooner than someone you met elsewhere. Always remember it is perfectly fine to turn down any of these moves/offers which is why you should always meet first in a public place.
It’s understandable a guy won’t flirt with you at the gym. It could be easily considered creeper behaviour and that’s just asking for trouble. But, if there is someone you like keep your mind open and smile, smiling gives men a bit of confidence towards you.
I’d definitely go with tinder etc. - as a woman you have all the deciding power. Just dont swipe the hottest person you see and expect them not to be a piece of shit 🙂
Just show the slightest amount of interest. Men are so attention-starved and used to being completely ignored on a personal level that any amount of attention towards us makes us think that there’s something there. Just start off asking about their weekend or whatever and go from there. Sometimes you just have to stop thinking about it and make the leap, overthinking is what leads to self-doubt.
Therapy.
Yeah. I have bipolar disorder. It’s not the scary crazy kind, it’s just crippling to my own self. Over the decades I cope with it by isolating myself whenever I’m not feeling well, which is most of the time, which has crippled my interpersonal skills.
My wife is bipolar type 1. Firstly, I feel for you. It’s fucking difficult. Very difficult. The only thing that got it under control for her was a full scale thermonuclear psychotic break, subsequent hospitalization, and a couple years of steadily tweaking the med cocktail until she found a middle ground between being massively depressed, completely numb, or emotionally raw and explosive.
It’s not easy, but she’s been stable and dare I say verging on happy for the last year, and things seem to be getting better by the day. It wasn’t easy for me to stick around, but I did.
Work on yourself. Get a good psych and good therapist. And hopefully you’ll find a partner willing to accept the difficult parts of you. I’m sure everyone wants your hotness, be wary of those people. My wife is hot too, but I wanted more than that. You deserve to be wanted for more than that.
Specifically CBT. Have a therapist tail you in the street as you interact with people, and then compare your impressions with theirs
Have a therapist tail me in the street as I interact with people? That sounds like a really expensive therapist. But oh how often I wish I had a therapist with me all day every day to work with me through every glitchy moment.
I did at university for my own anxiety issues, and it was free as part of student counselling. Probably not anymore, given the world and all…
I genuinely don’t know the meaning of this shortening and google did not help. What does it stand for?
I’m guessing they mean Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Cock and ball torture
Also works for attracting a certain set of men.
Cognitive behavioural therapy
Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy, my most recent workshop they call it “dialectical behavioral therapy.”
Those are not the same - DBT is more intense than CBT
I’m a beautiful woman
Low self esteem
Something just isn’t adding up, here.
This is a devastating self report. People are more complicated than their bodies, but I guess being conventionally attractive is enough to be happy from your PoV.
This is a devastating self report
I said and implied nothing about my thoughts or feelings.
People are more complicated than their bodies
Thanks for stating the obvious.
I guess being conventionally attractive is enough to be happy from your PoV.
Nope. I never even mentioned happiness. This is a conversation about attraction. Self-esteem in this context means body-image.
This is a conversation about attraction. Self-esteem in this context means body-image.
It absolutely is not, but you are reducing it to that. Read what OP is saying, she is looking for a relationship but is having trouble iniaiting. I mean come on, she calls herself beautiful, yet somehow you read shy as body image thing? That’s just looking skin deep.
It absolutely is not, but you are reducing it to that.
Literally the first 4 words of the post:
I’m a beautiful woman.
I’m not reading between the lines, I’m reading the words themselves. Don’t call me shallow just because I’m not trying to do SCUBA in a puddle.
jesus you have such a douchey reddit attitude
Thanks for contributing nothing to the conversation but insults. I’m sure there’s a forum somewhere for teenagers to practise zingers, but this isn’t the place.
While I get what you’re saying, attractive people are treated better simply by being attractive.
They also can get away with a lot of terrible behavior simply by being attractive.
And the younger you understand that, the better.
I’ve sadly seen some attractive people grow up with completely warped senses of reality purely because of how others have treated them. Never had to use their brain once to get anything, sadly they can lack really basic people skills as they get older.
It’s sad because some don’t understand that they’ve been handed things all their life without having to ask so don’t understand when they get older and suddenly have to make an effort.
Obviously this isn’t every attractive person at all but the problem seems unique to those that are/were attractive. The entitlement and lack of respect for others time and effort is baffling for 30/40 year olds.
My wife is very attractive but years of childhood bullying means she has a skewed perception of herself.
Maybe you misunderstood…? I didn’t say attractive people can’t have self-esteem issues. I’m saying people with self-esteem issues generally don’t say “I’m a beautiful person”. They generally say “I’m ugly and unlovable”.
That does make more sense.
My wife, too. Trauma from neglection and other stuff.
Maybe her low self esteem is based on some other perceived shortcoming? Like social skills for example.
Or maybe OP is just making shit up.
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What.
Uhhh somehow this ended up in the wrong thread. Sorry about that. I’ll delete.
Just be straightforward: Avoid hinting, speak plainly. I can’t speak for all guys, but I’m terrible at picking up on hints.
The most amazing experience I’ve ever had with this, it happened to be a very hard-working time in my life, I was peak physical fitness and holding a full-time job and traveling north an hour once a week to spend the whole day with my daughter’s 4th and 5th grade class, I was maxed out but feeling good and healthy, and one day at work I stopped one of my colleagues in the hallway and I said “Remember on Friday when you asked me what I want?” He said “Yeah. I remember .” I said, “Well I’ll tell you what I want. I want to spend some time with you in a hotel room.” I don’t know what came over me, I was just feeling it very strongly and I was perfectly healthy and feeling good about myself, no doubts in the world whatsoever, but how taboo, he had a girlfriend and three children with her, but it turned out okay because it turned out there she was having an affair that he didn’t know about until later so when he was having an affair with me it was he considered it even and eventually she got married to the guy and he’s been begging for me back ever since.
Wow I wish I felt like that all the time I was so brave and anyway that was 2017 and we did hook up repeatedly at work it was so hot and taboo and I live 2000 miles away from him now but he’s still begging for me to come back. Haha. I’m not going back. Because I pleased him more than he pleased me and of course he wants me back. 🤷♀️
You’ve spent a lot of this thread denigrating bars/clubs because you find any amount of drinking unattractive, and calling dating apps/meeting someone online shallow and disingenuous.
And then you proudly announce your self-indulgent romp with infidelity, boasting about your profoundly more unattractive and shallow behavior. No amount of healthy living, working out, and good genetics can compensate for that kind of behavior, not to the sort of partner you claim to be after. Your targets are out of your league.
I’m positive this person is full of complete shit. I think they’re role playing.
Tell me about it. There were so many more opportunities, but I figured I was being a gentlemen. I was just obtuse.
My wife and I hooked up a bit freshmen year in college and then drifted. She later pursued me. Her explanations about how oblivious I was that she wanted to come over and sleep with me are mind boggling in retrospect.
Tell him some tree facts. For example, “did you know that the bulk of tree mass comes from air?”, etc.
…go on.
Did you know that I broke my wrist falling off a spotted oak as a child in 1979?
Cool, cool… Anywho, tell me more about this spotted oak tree.
I’m a beautiful woman, most men would say “yes” to me
Maybe start with a bit more modesty idk
op hasn’t provided any pictures, they might just be being matter of fact, eschewing false modesty?
I think I don’t personally agree with your intentions even though it’s a bit vague. If you are shy in general with low self esteem and want to change that, you should focus on that imo and not have that challenge specifically tied to finding a mate/getting laid.
Rip your inbox.
Men are simple, smile and say hi,
Then just talk about what excites you
Yes we simple. But we need clear signs to be sure that she’s into a man or just being friendly. A smile and say hi and talking about what excites them is what very outgoing women do out of friendliness and is not a sign of attractiveness.
I know what you mean. Once every couple years I happen to be in a talkative outgoing mood and people think I’m flirting with them. But I’m not.
Anyway that mood only lasts for a couple hours. And it happens once every couple years. I can’t predict it and I can’t plan it and I can’t control it, and I can’t even shift that charm to work on people I actually want it to work on.
Because unfortunately when I’m attracted to someone I get cripplingly shy and I can’t even look at them or talk to them.
I relate to this a lot, in my case the answer was weekly therapy for a year+. Being diagnosed with an anexity disorder and using medication to control it has only had positive effects on my life. I get that therapy is a lot harder to set up and actually do, much less than lemmy. But no one in this thread will help you get to the center of your problems. Trauma, fear and social anexity are not things that can be fixed with some catchy advice. I don’t mean to criticize you for the post, I just see some people making bad jokes and thought I’d give my 2 cents.
Good luck sis!! ♥ 💕
Take a seat at a bar. It won’t take 5 minutes
Touch his butt.
Gently and not in an ass grabby way.
And like, the small of his back, not quite his butt crack.
Casually.
Humans have a little button there. I swear. Press it gently and it says “hey I want to fuck, if that’s cool?”
If he’s not interested, hell probably avoid getting his butt near your hands in the future. If he’s interested, he’ll probably end up going down on you or something 🤷♂️
Just touch his butt.
That sounds fun and sexy and relatively harmless but
Realistically I imagine men would not mind that as much as women would. But either way it’s assault and I prefer to stay on the side of social propriety & lawfulness.
I mean, would you hug this person?
A hug is also assault. So is a handshake.
Interesting. I guess you’re not wrong.
Okay so I’ll do it. I’ll touch the small of his back just where the butt crack starts. Push his button.😆
The way you described it really does sound so harmlessly turn-on.
Think like if your hugging goodbye just let your hand drop from mid back to low back as you let go of the embrace. Nothing super overt but they’ll notice.
Or if you’re out together and it’s loud and you’re leaning into his personal space to say something in his ear like “did you see that?” Or anything, brace support in his hip, low back. Not an erogenous area, but also like, not his shoulder.
Yeah I just experimented pushed my own button there and you’re right it really is an innocuous horny button.
So sad I’ve lived this long and no one has ever touched me in yummy ways like that. I have so much to learn. How to touch other people in those subtle yummy ways
In my experience, when a woman has touched me there casually, it’s just kit something up in my brain like “🤔 idk that was close to my bum, does she want my butt? She can have my butt 😁”
And then I wanna touch her there too, and then we usually wanna get naked 😊
Back is okay depending on context. The person you’re replying to is wrong. Never touch someone’s ass without permission
Ahh, a member of the Tina Belcher school of romance!
Fucking ew… I hope nobody ever takes your advice. Sexual harassment is never okay, never touch anybody you’re not close with like that.
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Are you like that around everyone or just the men you feel attracted to? If it’s around everyone you should probably work on that first. Maybe join a Toastmasters club to build confidence.
Yes it’s everyone. I have bipolar disorder. The only place I feel comfortable in my skin is at the gym.
I would be a nervous wreck in the formal confines of a toastmasters club. Sitting still, Standing still, talking, aaagh no thank you.
I just want physical fitness, exercise, a personal connection with someone based on that healthy foundation, then cuddling 💕 🍆
Join a social dancing club. This keeps you stay healthy and also improves your self-esteem. Also it creates this Personal Connection to the other person while dancing. Be advised though - there is also shitty leaders out there, who are purely after that one thing.
Let me guess. People expect you to behave consistently, bipolar disorder prevents you from doing so, you got dumped a few times because the cheerful/moody woman suddenly became moody/cheerful, and now you feel like starting out a relationship is walking on eggs. Is this correct?
If it is, frame it another way - it’s a painful blessing disguised as curse, you’re filtering out the morons who wouldn’t be able to hold into a decent relationship to begin with.
Past that: stop overthinking. At the end of the day this shit boils down to
- Show interest.
- Check if the other side is interested. If he is, go on; if not, move on.
- Get to know each other better. If it’s worth, go on; if not, move on.
- Repeat as needed.
I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t go to pubs or bars. The only place I see men is at gyms. I see so many every day. There’s prolonged eye contact, hungry glances, I get scared and look away and continue my workout. This avoidance is becoming unbearable.
Plus if you date lots of people over booze you’ll get a disproportionate amount of alcoholic folks to deal with. (I know from experience, most of my ex-gfs were met over some beer.)
What about jogging in the park? You’re still doing some physical activity and you can capitalise on probably being fit. You’ll find men doing random stuff - walking their dogs, jogging like you, writing, etc. I feel like it would be a tiny bit outside your comfort zone (the gym), but not by much.
Good luck.
Did you even read the post you’re responding to?
Did you even read the post you’re responding to?
I did.
I’m addressing mostly OP’s comments across this thread because it’s the stuff that I can actually give advice for, based on life experience; I’m no woman but I’m bipolar, so I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s experiences in this regard were similar to mine. And if they are, I’m old enough to know shit that worked and shit that did not.
They were quoting responses the OP has made to other replies in this post.
